What is swag?

Even though the word has been thrown around a lot lately, I still wanted to dig deep into the whole idea that is swag. Not swagger.

So what the hell is it? How does one achieve swag? Naturally? Do you work for it? Are there different types?

Style.

In a nutshell, it's how your carry yourself. Confidence, style (I stress this the most.. gotta get that two-button swag. I'm serious), and attitude all rolled up will produce swag. But only if done correctly. If you fuck it up, you're gonna swag-down and lose some serious points. Then no one will be your friend.

Striving for swag, in my opinion, counts as swag-down points. It just has to happen without thinking about it. You can't force that shit. You don't give a shit about anything, but you can't let anyone KNOW that you don't give a shit about anything. Fake swag is the worst. Getting married does not offer any swag, and you sure as hell don't get any from having kids. Although you lose major swag-points, you can make up for it once all of that settles. It's a tough fight... but doable.

It's subtle, yet carries a formidable presence. Starting points early is great to let your swag fully blossom. The definition isn't quite clear to oneself at an early age, I would argue that it's something that starts to form during the adolescent years of your life. You know when it will happen. Perfect example would be one, Jordy Barnard:

"A lot of people are too typical these days.
Married, kids, lose their edge. Buncha cardboard cutouts"

Jordy explained his first encounter of swag to me the other night, "The first time I felt I had swag was when I was playing basketball during recess in 4th grade. I crossed over a kid and took it straight to the hoop and made a lay-up. Since then, I've had swag non-stop."

There you have it. It's important to realize when you've got your first taste of swag, but don't let it go to your head. Jordy experienced a rare gift of swag that early, but he handled it well and knew what the fuck to do with it. So he's got schoolyard-swag.

Different types of swag? Hell yea. There's all kinds. Punctual-swag might be one of my personal favorites since I've experienced it at one point. You are never late to anything. Ever. You could leave your house 20 minutes late for a meeting at work, and still show up on time. One of a kind. It's unbeatable.

I've said before, swag is best when coming naturally. But every now and again, you need to up that shit. You need to be aware when you're swagging down. Going out with some friends and you're the first one at the bar? Get the fuck outta there! Go wait in your car. Alternatively, you can make it look like you want to be alone. But that's hard. Usually requires a book or something. Don't have a book? Shit, lean up against the bar with your back facing the bartender. Don't talk to his ass no matter how loud he yells at you. Smoke 'em if you got 'em. Instant quickie-swag. Don't smoke? Jesus, you're killing me here.. look always have this shit on hand,

Instant swag. For now.

 That's right. Carry that shit with you. People will look at you. Wanna know why? Cause you never see ANYONE drinking this shit. Like that Cherry Indian soda or whatever it's called.. but don't drink that, you'll get red lips like some white trash kid. But this is royal. Got that royal-swag. People don't fuck with that. See someone else drinking it? Hell, you better walk over and smack that shit as they're drinking it. Accuse them of fake swag and ask where they got it. +10 Alpha Male-swag but -7 wit swag. Watch your step.




You better believe there are ranks to swag. With the help of Jordy, we've put together a rough draft of a ranking system. Starting from the bottom:

No swag. Loud mouth fatso.

This is the lowest of the low. Remember this guy? The fucking TGI Friday's dude who talks too damn loud for his own good? Yea. There isn't an ounce of swag in this guy anywhere. Never had it. His phrases like, "bad boy!" give him countless number of swag-down points. Anyone who talks too much like this usually has little to no swag.

Hardly anything.

Wearing too much black will give you swag-down points. I'm not even going to go near his sad excuse for a tank-top. Dude makes all this money but dresses like a bitch. Can't be having that shit and Criss Angel is a good example of that. He doesn't have much going on, even for a magician. And magic is pretty cool.. but when you get all Nu-Metal about it, you're brown bread.

He's in his 30's.

I do love this character, but he's lacking swag. More charming (through innocence) than swag, but that's okay. This is a good example of having the potential of swag, but sometimes you draw a shitty hand. Hans Moleman has great potential (he runs a jazz radio station.. swag up) and while lovable, is lackin' in swag. Gotta pick that shit up before people notice you got potential and you start to lose points. Swag is always in motion.

Loves that ice-cream.

Okay, giving him a little too much credit on the ranking, but let me make my point. You got the traditional swag. The only kind that matters. But then you have wannabe-swag... like Trump here. Striving for swag will cost you points, but pulling off wanna-be swag is slightly worse. Because really, you are without swag. Sticking your nose where it doesn't belong and giving the impression that you keep a stable swag-life will catch up with you. Like in this photo, someone busted his ass eating ice-cream like a pussy. This will garner you swag-down points. And fast.

Atta' boy, Luther!

This might be my favorite form of swag, even if it isn't the best. Not caring what other people think is fine, but not having anything bug you or having to prove yourself is even better. Don Knotts has the safest most stable form of swag. Can't hate the guy, and he sports any collared shirt with a solid bow tie. He's a version of the Hans Moleman swag, but has reached the advantage of it. He's maxed out his swag, so you gotta hand it to him. +100 Solid-swag.

He shot first.

Now were getting somewhere. Solo has got swag because he doesn't give a shit about a lot of things, and the things he does care about, are fucking cool. He's a gunslinger so he gets a lot of swag points that will stick with him. Nothing really bothers him, either. Plus, he won the fucking Millenium Falcon gambling with Lando's dumbass. Gunslinger, badass, and won the fastest ship in the galaxy. Get that Solo-swag and you got it made. Just make sure you're ready to back it up.

Rich white guy swag. 

A lot of rich, old, white guys don't have swag. Those who seem to probably don't (Trump). But coming back from losing some swag-points will up your swag in double. Plus, looking like you did over a decade ago adds to your swag. Being in the role of a rich, old white guy, but getting swag points like a player is a tough gig and I give credit where credit is due. I wrote earlier of those who have to earn their swag back after marriage and children... Bill did it. Swagalicious.

Hit 'em up.

When other people have to borrow swag from you, even after you're dead, you've hit uncharted swag. This almost never happens. Plus, a lot of rappers who try a hand in movies/film, usually lose swag points and develop decaying-swag (Ice Cube). Tu-Pac is the epitome of not-giving-a-fuck and has earned almost all swag points in existence. Getting fucking shot multiple times and still not giving a fuck? Shiiiit, unbeatable-swag. Film-swag, music-swag, romance-swag, NHL-swag, thug-swag, survivor-swag, poet-swag... you name it, he's in there somewhere. Probably at the top.

'Nuff said.

Alright. This sort of swag is unheard of. JFK-swag is synonymous with superlative. Of the highest caliber-swag. Fucking, crème de la crème. You get the picture. Somehow even after having kids, being white, rich (not old, though), and married, he never swagged-down. Never happened. Developed public speaking-swag, and somehow got points in golf-swag. Most sport-swag comes from the same sports (baseball, basketball, football, and most recently: hockey). Shit, golf sweater and loafers? Swag written all over it. And like Pac's, people still borrow his swag and compare him. Can't match that shit. JFK swag is aged; like a fine bottle of Chateau Mouton-Rothschild Jeroboam. You just can't touch it.

Nintendo's Dirty Harry

I feel it's safe to say that a lot of my pent up frustration and misery comes from my Nintendo years. I can barely recall playing these games at four or five years old, but I remember how badly I wanted to beat these games. To conquer them. Especially before my brother could.

And then there were games that I knew I just couldn't beat, but would torture myself into thinking I could. Every week, like an alzheimer's patient, I would go with my mother to rent a movie.. well, she would go rent a movie, and I would go look and stare at the gallery of games I could rent. Like clockwork, I would so badly want to try new releases, or games my friends would talk about. But I would always keep my eye on some game that ruined my life for a weekend.. and eventually pick that one again. Knowing that it would cause nothing but agony, I would tell myself that it's not THAT bad.. just the one level was difficult, or I was getting used to the controls or something. Definitely not the case.

Remember Dirty Harry?

Jesus.

 I do. Not because of the movie... I didn't see the movie until years and years later. But because of the god damn game that I couldn't beat.

The film stars Clint Eastwood in an action/crime/thriller theme where Eastwood plays the role of a San Francisco cop who is tracking down a sniper that has achieved a serial killer status. Eastwood plays a pretty sweet character that runs a town by his own rules while trying to catch this guy. Packed with great action and Eastwood's charm, the movie is known for some badass lines.

Well, kinda. I'm just trying to beef the movie up for a frame of reference. Bear with me. Either way, keep that image in your head. 

Also, that quick synopsis that I gave about the movie.. if you didn't know any of that and you started the play the game.. you seriously have no idea what the hell is going on when you cue this sucker up.

This is the image of Dirty Harry that I'm a little more familiar with.

Is he holding a piece of chalk?

Okay, I can't bust on the graphics too much.. the game came out in 1990 for an 8-bit system.

So yea, graphics.. whatever. Controls? The jumping can be a pain in the ass, having to mash the A and B buttons at once. Aiming your jump is another pain in the ass.

Sound/music? It's not that pleasing, but nothing you would catch me whistling since it's impossible to whistle or hum. Actually, now that I think about it.. the music pisses me off. It's just a scrambled mess.

Then what's my problem with the game? It's fucking impossible to beat. There's three levels, and I've barely come close to beating the first one out of my 20 years of playing the damn thing. Nothing makes sense! Enemies spawn every second like muppets on Sesame Street, coming from behind trashcans, corners, from behind buildings, hallways, and dressers. It never stops.

The first screen from the game.

See that? That's literally the first 3 seconds of the game and I'm already taking shit from all angles. Fucking bricks coming down on me, molotov's, taking a chain to the face while being sucker punched. If it's not one of these guys, than its one of these things,

Hmmm..

A snake? An eel, perhaps? Neck tie? How did that even get inside? Beats me. But you jump on these things and they die.

That's it though, right? It's either punk rockers who have some beef with you, or the Loch Ness Monster squirming towards you. Other than that, you're wandering aimlessly around apartments, the street and the sewers. Everything looks the same, so you walk in circles for hours. There isn't any sort of map, you communicate with AI by jumping next to them, the inventory screen is a disaster, the platform is nonlinear, you open desks by drop kicking them, and chili dogs are a form of health. I'm not kidding.

Bosses? Forget about it.

What the hell. How is this fair? I'm the size of that guy's belt and my gun is level with his crotch. I could run between his legs, I guess.







Or how about this,

I'm not even sure what's going on in this screen-shot, but apparently this guy can leap 30 feet in the air and slam dunk on you. Really though, what is happening in this picture?







Anyway, the game has a weird detective feel to it that I somehow love (even though you can't stand still because you're constantly being shot at). Plus, I'm a sucker for anything nostalgic. Oddly enough, the game mystifies me. I've read that each level represents another Eastwood film, which is sort of neat. Maybe the levels get a little easier after the first one?

I doubt it.


No, I won't use passwords.


Oh! If you're curious and looking to get a great headache, here's a link to play the game online. Take a crack at it and jam out to that awesome music: http://nintendo8.com/game/461/dirty_harry/

Zombies are overrated

That's right.

Yea, even him.

This zombie trend has been worn out for a while now, yet new-age horror fans insist on making it the "cool" thing to talk/fantasize about. These obnoxious fans have this idea that if  the vast majority finds something offensive, then it becomes that much cooler to talk about.

Don't get me wrong, I can enjoy some zombie flicks and games (Zombies Ate My Neighbors or Left 4 Dead) here and there... but that's the extent of it. They bore me at times. I don't pride myself in knowing some silly survival guide for this "zombie apocalypse" that everyone talks about. The internet-rats that consistently speak their mind about the apocalypse and their love for it should be grouped with those who are "ghost hunters". It's the same fucking thing, you pretenders.

The films have been around for a while and did develop quite a franchise/following like any horror genre would. And it's okay to pump some life back into these films... but does it have to be so inundating?

We have the Day of the Dead remake, Resident Evil (Degeneration, Apocalypse and Extinction), Zombieland, Undead, Dead and Deader, Dead and Breakfast (probably one of the worst films I've seen in the last few years), House of the Dead 1 and 2, 28 Days Later, 28 Weeks Later, Shaun of the Dead (I really enjoyed it, though), Return of the Living Dead 4 and 5, Land of the Dead... then you have films in 3-D! And the books! Remakes! TV show(s)! Bumper stickers! Shirts! Hoodies! Posters! iPhone applications! Zombie bar crawls! (if you want to see a zombie bar crawl, just hit up the South Side at about 1 AM on a Friday night. The women apply enough makeup to come off as the walking dead). Even the writer of Juno is planning on making her own Zombie movie!

Enough already for fucks sake. It isn't original anymore and it isn't clever when you make the "Jesus was a zombie" joke. Really, it isn't. I don't care how many of your sheep friends laughhhh and laugh when you crack that joke.

Want to see a neat trick? Type in "zombie" in your facebook search bar and see how many results come up. This is what the fuck I'm talking about. Have some standards.

I'm tired of the constant posts/statuses that read, "preparing for the zombie apocalypse!" or "killing zombies" as one of their interests. And all the stupid pictures (ZOMBIE FEST '09 DUDES) that go with it. 

Pittsburgh's finest

What the fuck is that? No seriously, what is it?












I had to start my next paragraph down here because I can't look at that fucking filth as I type. In all honesty though, when I see someone talk about their love for this shit, that's how I picture you.

Mentioned earlier, I do enjoy my share of zombie entertainment. The remakes aren't too bad, the games are fun, and it's an easy excuse to make things way more gruesome than they need to be. I'm all for it. The 80's ones are my favorite because you get the added cheesiness. But there are so many other great films out there that you zombie-loving dipshits would love. 


Nothing against Bub, Romero, or the Evil Dead; it's just the fanbase. I don't know when it suddenly became hilarious to talk about WHAT WE'RE ALL GONNA DO WHEN DA ZOMBIES COME. I don't know when it suddenly become hip to walk around with a zombie survival guide. And I sure as shit don't know when bragging rights were worth anything when it came to having stupid-mindless debates on which zombie is more dangerous or how ones in particular films aren't REAL zombies. I just know that it's played out, and half of these pretenders can't appreciate classics.


I haven't showered yet.

Snow Fall = Less Parking.

Ah yes. Fist day of December and some of the first snow we've seen since that winter disaster early this year. What a fucking nightmare that was.

Now that the snow has started up once again, my drive to work become more fearful. Not so much the road conditions... but parking. In the city.

People cannot park as it is (in the city). Drivers seem to think it's okay to park in front of a driveway, or on a yellow line, or.. just about anywhere. Hey, as long as you have your hazards on, it's fair game.

I work at the corner of the street at a coffee shop and I'm blown away by the risks people take to find a spot in order to come inside and order a cup-a-joe. If my job wasn't in jeopardy, I would have to ask these people what their problem is. "Half of your car is sticking out into traffic". Idiot.

The street I usually park on is extremely narrow and I almost always have to parallel park. It's so narrow that the passenger side of my car is vulnerable to anything that comes up the street. And it shows.

This is just the tip of the iceberg and it's already a pain to talk about.

No, but now.. it's snowing. And that fucking "parking chair" is back.

Not familiar? Lemme explain:

It's the act (it should be fucking illegal) of one placing some sort of furniture (more often than not, a chair) in a space/parking space that is in front of their house or whatever shithole they live in. Placing the furniture claims the spot so that no one else can park there other than the owner him/herself. Philosophy: I cleared the spot, so it's mine.

Bullshit.

Look at that. Waiting for a parade or something? Looking to claim your 4th of July spot early? The fuck outta here. Weeks have gone by last winter where the snow was GONE, and I still noticed people using chairs. Get off your fucking stupid lazy ass, and get rid of that thing. The snow is gone.

It's supposed to be funny. It isn't. It's stupid.
It's supposed to be cute. It isn't. It's evocative of white trash.
Because it's a "Pittsburgh thing", that means it's funny and cute. It isn't. Anyone who does it fucking sucks. 

People will tell you that you don't have respect for this city if you can't respect the parking chair. Oh? Bad enough I have to respect this primitive language people force themselves to speak in the city (Looking at you, yinzers), pseudo sport intellectuals who only care when it's the start of the season and the playoffs, streets that resemble the city level in Mortal Kombat 3, and sandwiches with coleslaw on them. Ditch this shit.

One journalist wrote an article earlier this year about the parking chair: "Yeah, once you spend three hours digging out a space to park your car, YOU OWN THAT SPACE. Your name is proverbially on that space. You BOUGHT that space with your blood, sweat, and tears. Your literal blood from oozing blisters. Your literal sweat freezing on your brow. Your literal tears from lower back muscle spasms."

Three.Hours.? Do you live on a fucking mountain? Why the hell does it take someone three hours to dig out a spot? Where do you have to be that you would submit yourself into doing that kind of work? If that's really the case, then you move far too slow and aren't hustling enough. Therefore, you don't get to keep that spot with half ass work. Tough shit, it's mine. I'm not even going to comment on the part about "blood, sweat, and tears" because it's fucking ridiculous. It's SNOW. It accumulates. Get used to it. Wahhh, I have to shovel snowwww.

Where they belong.

So of course, I make my 30 minute commute to work... but now it's going to take around 45 minutes to an hour because people want to play school-yard games and put chairs out front of their homes. Hi, it's public parking dipshit. If you really want to claim a spot, pay the money and get a yellow line painted. How about I dig up an entire street and place 50 chairs so I can claim each spot? Sound fair?

I feel what's even worse is that people will add another "three hours" to their labor in order to spite someone who stole their spot by dumping the snow they already dug out. So you just did twice the amount of work. Brilliant. The absolute worst is seeing this go on in the suburbs. Seriously? You can't park a block away and walk to your house? Go to hell.

Let's just settle on the idea that: you dig your car/spot out of snow to get it moving and that's the end of it. I don't want to see a chair graveyard on 14th street when we get a few snowflakes and people lose their shit.

I'm late for work.