Zombies are overrated

That's right.

Yea, even him.

This zombie trend has been worn out for a while now, yet new-age horror fans insist on making it the "cool" thing to talk/fantasize about. These obnoxious fans have this idea that if  the vast majority finds something offensive, then it becomes that much cooler to talk about.

Don't get me wrong, I can enjoy some zombie flicks and games (Zombies Ate My Neighbors or Left 4 Dead) here and there... but that's the extent of it. They bore me at times. I don't pride myself in knowing some silly survival guide for this "zombie apocalypse" that everyone talks about. The internet-rats that consistently speak their mind about the apocalypse and their love for it should be grouped with those who are "ghost hunters". It's the same fucking thing, you pretenders.

The films have been around for a while and did develop quite a franchise/following like any horror genre would. And it's okay to pump some life back into these films... but does it have to be so inundating?

We have the Day of the Dead remake, Resident Evil (Degeneration, Apocalypse and Extinction), Zombieland, Undead, Dead and Deader, Dead and Breakfast (probably one of the worst films I've seen in the last few years), House of the Dead 1 and 2, 28 Days Later, 28 Weeks Later, Shaun of the Dead (I really enjoyed it, though), Return of the Living Dead 4 and 5, Land of the Dead... then you have films in 3-D! And the books! Remakes! TV show(s)! Bumper stickers! Shirts! Hoodies! Posters! iPhone applications! Zombie bar crawls! (if you want to see a zombie bar crawl, just hit up the South Side at about 1 AM on a Friday night. The women apply enough makeup to come off as the walking dead). Even the writer of Juno is planning on making her own Zombie movie!

Enough already for fucks sake. It isn't original anymore and it isn't clever when you make the "Jesus was a zombie" joke. Really, it isn't. I don't care how many of your sheep friends laughhhh and laugh when you crack that joke.

Want to see a neat trick? Type in "zombie" in your facebook search bar and see how many results come up. This is what the fuck I'm talking about. Have some standards.

I'm tired of the constant posts/statuses that read, "preparing for the zombie apocalypse!" or "killing zombies" as one of their interests. And all the stupid pictures (ZOMBIE FEST '09 DUDES) that go with it. 

Pittsburgh's finest

What the fuck is that? No seriously, what is it?












I had to start my next paragraph down here because I can't look at that fucking filth as I type. In all honesty though, when I see someone talk about their love for this shit, that's how I picture you.

Mentioned earlier, I do enjoy my share of zombie entertainment. The remakes aren't too bad, the games are fun, and it's an easy excuse to make things way more gruesome than they need to be. I'm all for it. The 80's ones are my favorite because you get the added cheesiness. But there are so many other great films out there that you zombie-loving dipshits would love. 


Nothing against Bub, Romero, or the Evil Dead; it's just the fanbase. I don't know when it suddenly became hilarious to talk about WHAT WE'RE ALL GONNA DO WHEN DA ZOMBIES COME. I don't know when it suddenly become hip to walk around with a zombie survival guide. And I sure as shit don't know when bragging rights were worth anything when it came to having stupid-mindless debates on which zombie is more dangerous or how ones in particular films aren't REAL zombies. I just know that it's played out, and half of these pretenders can't appreciate classics.


I haven't showered yet.

Snow Fall = Less Parking.

Ah yes. Fist day of December and some of the first snow we've seen since that winter disaster early this year. What a fucking nightmare that was.

Now that the snow has started up once again, my drive to work become more fearful. Not so much the road conditions... but parking. In the city.

People cannot park as it is (in the city). Drivers seem to think it's okay to park in front of a driveway, or on a yellow line, or.. just about anywhere. Hey, as long as you have your hazards on, it's fair game.

I work at the corner of the street at a coffee shop and I'm blown away by the risks people take to find a spot in order to come inside and order a cup-a-joe. If my job wasn't in jeopardy, I would have to ask these people what their problem is. "Half of your car is sticking out into traffic". Idiot.

The street I usually park on is extremely narrow and I almost always have to parallel park. It's so narrow that the passenger side of my car is vulnerable to anything that comes up the street. And it shows.

This is just the tip of the iceberg and it's already a pain to talk about.

No, but now.. it's snowing. And that fucking "parking chair" is back.

Not familiar? Lemme explain:

It's the act (it should be fucking illegal) of one placing some sort of furniture (more often than not, a chair) in a space/parking space that is in front of their house or whatever shithole they live in. Placing the furniture claims the spot so that no one else can park there other than the owner him/herself. Philosophy: I cleared the spot, so it's mine.

Bullshit.

Look at that. Waiting for a parade or something? Looking to claim your 4th of July spot early? The fuck outta here. Weeks have gone by last winter where the snow was GONE, and I still noticed people using chairs. Get off your fucking stupid lazy ass, and get rid of that thing. The snow is gone.

It's supposed to be funny. It isn't. It's stupid.
It's supposed to be cute. It isn't. It's evocative of white trash.
Because it's a "Pittsburgh thing", that means it's funny and cute. It isn't. Anyone who does it fucking sucks. 

People will tell you that you don't have respect for this city if you can't respect the parking chair. Oh? Bad enough I have to respect this primitive language people force themselves to speak in the city (Looking at you, yinzers), pseudo sport intellectuals who only care when it's the start of the season and the playoffs, streets that resemble the city level in Mortal Kombat 3, and sandwiches with coleslaw on them. Ditch this shit.

One journalist wrote an article earlier this year about the parking chair: "Yeah, once you spend three hours digging out a space to park your car, YOU OWN THAT SPACE. Your name is proverbially on that space. You BOUGHT that space with your blood, sweat, and tears. Your literal blood from oozing blisters. Your literal sweat freezing on your brow. Your literal tears from lower back muscle spasms."

Three.Hours.? Do you live on a fucking mountain? Why the hell does it take someone three hours to dig out a spot? Where do you have to be that you would submit yourself into doing that kind of work? If that's really the case, then you move far too slow and aren't hustling enough. Therefore, you don't get to keep that spot with half ass work. Tough shit, it's mine. I'm not even going to comment on the part about "blood, sweat, and tears" because it's fucking ridiculous. It's SNOW. It accumulates. Get used to it. Wahhh, I have to shovel snowwww.

Where they belong.

So of course, I make my 30 minute commute to work... but now it's going to take around 45 minutes to an hour because people want to play school-yard games and put chairs out front of their homes. Hi, it's public parking dipshit. If you really want to claim a spot, pay the money and get a yellow line painted. How about I dig up an entire street and place 50 chairs so I can claim each spot? Sound fair?

I feel what's even worse is that people will add another "three hours" to their labor in order to spite someone who stole their spot by dumping the snow they already dug out. So you just did twice the amount of work. Brilliant. The absolute worst is seeing this go on in the suburbs. Seriously? You can't park a block away and walk to your house? Go to hell.

Let's just settle on the idea that: you dig your car/spot out of snow to get it moving and that's the end of it. I don't want to see a chair graveyard on 14th street when we get a few snowflakes and people lose their shit.

I'm late for work.