What is swag?

Even though the word has been thrown around a lot lately, I still wanted to dig deep into the whole idea that is swag. Not swagger.

So what the hell is it? How does one achieve swag? Naturally? Do you work for it? Are there different types?

Style.

In a nutshell, it's how your carry yourself. Confidence, style (I stress this the most.. gotta get that two-button swag. I'm serious), and attitude all rolled up will produce swag. But only if done correctly. If you fuck it up, you're gonna swag-down and lose some serious points. Then no one will be your friend.

Striving for swag, in my opinion, counts as swag-down points. It just has to happen without thinking about it. You can't force that shit. You don't give a shit about anything, but you can't let anyone KNOW that you don't give a shit about anything. Fake swag is the worst. Getting married does not offer any swag, and you sure as hell don't get any from having kids. Although you lose major swag-points, you can make up for it once all of that settles. It's a tough fight... but doable.

It's subtle, yet carries a formidable presence. Starting points early is great to let your swag fully blossom. The definition isn't quite clear to oneself at an early age, I would argue that it's something that starts to form during the adolescent years of your life. You know when it will happen. Perfect example would be one, Jordy Barnard:

"A lot of people are too typical these days.
Married, kids, lose their edge. Buncha cardboard cutouts"

Jordy explained his first encounter of swag to me the other night, "The first time I felt I had swag was when I was playing basketball during recess in 4th grade. I crossed over a kid and took it straight to the hoop and made a lay-up. Since then, I've had swag non-stop."

There you have it. It's important to realize when you've got your first taste of swag, but don't let it go to your head. Jordy experienced a rare gift of swag that early, but he handled it well and knew what the fuck to do with it. So he's got schoolyard-swag.

Different types of swag? Hell yea. There's all kinds. Punctual-swag might be one of my personal favorites since I've experienced it at one point. You are never late to anything. Ever. You could leave your house 20 minutes late for a meeting at work, and still show up on time. One of a kind. It's unbeatable.

I've said before, swag is best when coming naturally. But every now and again, you need to up that shit. You need to be aware when you're swagging down. Going out with some friends and you're the first one at the bar? Get the fuck outta there! Go wait in your car. Alternatively, you can make it look like you want to be alone. But that's hard. Usually requires a book or something. Don't have a book? Shit, lean up against the bar with your back facing the bartender. Don't talk to his ass no matter how loud he yells at you. Smoke 'em if you got 'em. Instant quickie-swag. Don't smoke? Jesus, you're killing me here.. look always have this shit on hand,

Instant swag. For now.

 That's right. Carry that shit with you. People will look at you. Wanna know why? Cause you never see ANYONE drinking this shit. Like that Cherry Indian soda or whatever it's called.. but don't drink that, you'll get red lips like some white trash kid. But this is royal. Got that royal-swag. People don't fuck with that. See someone else drinking it? Hell, you better walk over and smack that shit as they're drinking it. Accuse them of fake swag and ask where they got it. +10 Alpha Male-swag but -7 wit swag. Watch your step.




You better believe there are ranks to swag. With the help of Jordy, we've put together a rough draft of a ranking system. Starting from the bottom:

No swag. Loud mouth fatso.

This is the lowest of the low. Remember this guy? The fucking TGI Friday's dude who talks too damn loud for his own good? Yea. There isn't an ounce of swag in this guy anywhere. Never had it. His phrases like, "bad boy!" give him countless number of swag-down points. Anyone who talks too much like this usually has little to no swag.

Hardly anything.

Wearing too much black will give you swag-down points. I'm not even going to go near his sad excuse for a tank-top. Dude makes all this money but dresses like a bitch. Can't be having that shit and Criss Angel is a good example of that. He doesn't have much going on, even for a magician. And magic is pretty cool.. but when you get all Nu-Metal about it, you're brown bread.

He's in his 30's.

I do love this character, but he's lacking swag. More charming (through innocence) than swag, but that's okay. This is a good example of having the potential of swag, but sometimes you draw a shitty hand. Hans Moleman has great potential (he runs a jazz radio station.. swag up) and while lovable, is lackin' in swag. Gotta pick that shit up before people notice you got potential and you start to lose points. Swag is always in motion.

Loves that ice-cream.

Okay, giving him a little too much credit on the ranking, but let me make my point. You got the traditional swag. The only kind that matters. But then you have wannabe-swag... like Trump here. Striving for swag will cost you points, but pulling off wanna-be swag is slightly worse. Because really, you are without swag. Sticking your nose where it doesn't belong and giving the impression that you keep a stable swag-life will catch up with you. Like in this photo, someone busted his ass eating ice-cream like a pussy. This will garner you swag-down points. And fast.

Atta' boy, Luther!

This might be my favorite form of swag, even if it isn't the best. Not caring what other people think is fine, but not having anything bug you or having to prove yourself is even better. Don Knotts has the safest most stable form of swag. Can't hate the guy, and he sports any collared shirt with a solid bow tie. He's a version of the Hans Moleman swag, but has reached the advantage of it. He's maxed out his swag, so you gotta hand it to him. +100 Solid-swag.

He shot first.

Now were getting somewhere. Solo has got swag because he doesn't give a shit about a lot of things, and the things he does care about, are fucking cool. He's a gunslinger so he gets a lot of swag points that will stick with him. Nothing really bothers him, either. Plus, he won the fucking Millenium Falcon gambling with Lando's dumbass. Gunslinger, badass, and won the fastest ship in the galaxy. Get that Solo-swag and you got it made. Just make sure you're ready to back it up.

Rich white guy swag. 

A lot of rich, old, white guys don't have swag. Those who seem to probably don't (Trump). But coming back from losing some swag-points will up your swag in double. Plus, looking like you did over a decade ago adds to your swag. Being in the role of a rich, old white guy, but getting swag points like a player is a tough gig and I give credit where credit is due. I wrote earlier of those who have to earn their swag back after marriage and children... Bill did it. Swagalicious.

Hit 'em up.

When other people have to borrow swag from you, even after you're dead, you've hit uncharted swag. This almost never happens. Plus, a lot of rappers who try a hand in movies/film, usually lose swag points and develop decaying-swag (Ice Cube). Tu-Pac is the epitome of not-giving-a-fuck and has earned almost all swag points in existence. Getting fucking shot multiple times and still not giving a fuck? Shiiiit, unbeatable-swag. Film-swag, music-swag, romance-swag, NHL-swag, thug-swag, survivor-swag, poet-swag... you name it, he's in there somewhere. Probably at the top.

'Nuff said.

Alright. This sort of swag is unheard of. JFK-swag is synonymous with superlative. Of the highest caliber-swag. Fucking, crème de la crème. You get the picture. Somehow even after having kids, being white, rich (not old, though), and married, he never swagged-down. Never happened. Developed public speaking-swag, and somehow got points in golf-swag. Most sport-swag comes from the same sports (baseball, basketball, football, and most recently: hockey). Shit, golf sweater and loafers? Swag written all over it. And like Pac's, people still borrow his swag and compare him. Can't match that shit. JFK swag is aged; like a fine bottle of Chateau Mouton-Rothschild Jeroboam. You just can't touch it.