And then there were games that I knew I just couldn't beat, but would torture myself into thinking I could. Every week, like an alzheimer's patient, I would go with my mother to rent a movie.. well, she would go rent a movie, and I would go look and stare at the gallery of games I could rent. Like clockwork, I would so badly want to try new releases, or games my friends would talk about. But I would always keep my eye on some game that ruined my life for a weekend.. and eventually pick that one again. Knowing that it would cause nothing but agony, I would tell myself that it's not THAT bad.. just the one level was difficult, or I was getting used to the controls or something. Definitely not the case.
Remember Dirty Harry?
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| Jesus. |
The film stars Clint Eastwood in an action/crime/thriller theme where Eastwood plays the role of a San Francisco cop who is tracking down a sniper that has achieved a serial killer status. Eastwood plays a pretty sweet character that runs a town by his own rules while trying to catch this guy. Packed with great action and Eastwood's charm, the movie is known for some badass lines.
Well, kinda. I'm just trying to beef the movie up for a frame of reference. Bear with me. Either way, keep that image in your head.
Also, that quick synopsis that I gave about the movie.. if you didn't know any of that and you started the play the game.. you seriously have no idea what the hell is going on when you cue this sucker up.
This is the image of Dirty Harry that I'm a little more familiar with.
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| Is he holding a piece of chalk? |
Okay, I can't bust on the graphics too much.. the game came out in 1990 for an 8-bit system.
So yea, graphics.. whatever. Controls? The jumping can be a pain in the ass, having to mash the A and B buttons at once. Aiming your jump is another pain in the ass.
Sound/music? It's not that pleasing, but nothing you would catch me whistling since it's impossible to whistle or hum. Actually, now that I think about it.. the music pisses me off. It's just a scrambled mess.
Then what's my problem with the game? It's fucking impossible to beat. There's three levels, and I've barely come close to beating the first one out of my 20 years of playing the damn thing. Nothing makes sense! Enemies spawn every second like muppets on Sesame Street, coming from behind trashcans, corners, from behind buildings, hallways, and dressers. It never stops.
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| The first screen from the game. |
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| Hmmm.. |
That's it though, right? It's either punk rockers who have some beef with you, or the Loch Ness Monster squirming towards you. Other than that, you're wandering aimlessly around apartments, the street and the sewers. Everything looks the same, so you walk in circles for hours. There isn't any sort of map, you communicate with AI by jumping next to them, the inventory screen is a disaster, the platform is nonlinear, you open desks by drop kicking them, and chili dogs are a form of health. I'm not kidding.
Bosses? Forget about it.
What the hell. How is this fair? I'm the size of that guy's belt and my gun is level with his crotch. I could run between his legs, I guess.
Or how about this,
I'm not even sure what's going on in this screen-shot, but apparently this guy can leap 30 feet in the air and slam dunk on you. Really though, what is happening in this picture?
Anyway, the game has a weird detective feel to it that I somehow love (even though you can't stand still because you're constantly being shot at). Plus, I'm a sucker for anything nostalgic. Oddly enough, the game mystifies me. I've read that each level represents another Eastwood film, which is sort of neat. Maybe the levels get a little easier after the first one?
I doubt it.
No, I won't use passwords.
Oh! If you're curious and looking to get a great headache, here's a link to play the game online. Take a crack at it and jam out to that awesome music: http://nintendo8.com/game/461/dirty_harry/
